3/23/2012

The Hatchings

The life of a domestic foul is a harsh form of oppression; day-in, and day-out, you are forced to laboriously produce eggs, and your only retirement plan involves hot-oil, and eleven herbs and spices. Not unlike ЯUSSIAИ SUBWAY DOGS, Ferry Halim's  The Hatchings, tells the inspiration tale of an oppressed animal, fighting against insurmountable odds in order to achieve it's place in the annals of history, by means of repetitive, charmingly pointless casual gameplay.


 THE HATCHINGS (PC, iOS)
Developed & Published by: Orisianl
Released: November 2011

One day The Chicken arose, the ordinary ambiance, soon turning into unsettling silence. Everything seemed normal, yet something was amiss. It was something intangible, yet significant enough to make The Chicken feel uneasy as she waddled around the coop. There was a noticeable number of chickens missing; gone without so much as a trace. "Where could they have gotten off to?" The Chicken wonders, in curious silence. Just then ,an aroma began to fill the barnyard air; she began to smell something awful. Awful, but not awful in it's scent; it in fact smelled good, very-good. Possibly finger-lickingly so...

This is the last cutscene of Mass Effect 3.

The Hatchings is quite a simple game; With the mouse, you control a chicken who perpetually pops out an egg at a rate of one per second. I actually almost named this article Chicken Vagina Monologues, but then I didn't, because that's gross. The Chicken lays eggs, and if she touches them again as they scramble around, they will hatch instantly, proving once and for all that chicken's are mammals, and the eggs are purely aesthetic.

I know it doesn't look like a gritty, action-packed tell of vengeance and redemption, but trust me, it is.

After an intense day of crotch-rending egg production, our hero, The Chicken notices something rather marvelous; in getting caught up in all of his mysterious farm-work, the rancher forgot to lock the chickens in. "That's unusual" The Chicken thought to itself. The Chicken, having never had the opportunity to wander around unsupervised, decided to have a go at the rest of the farm. Soon enough she heard something startling; screams of terror followed by a loud, earthy 'THUNK'. Frightened, but curious, The Chicken forged forward, only to see the most-horrific scene it had ever layed it's eyes on...

This isn't it, but it's definitely up there. Holy Shit.

A ranch-hand had a defense-less chicken pinned to a tree stump, holding a small, razor-sharp axe in his other hand that gleamed, mockingly in The Chicken's eye. The cowboy brought his axe down, cutting the other chicken's head clean off, landing in a rusty bucket. He then handed the headless bird to his friend, who began to ravenously tear the down off the poor hen's limp body. Next between the two men was a pile of nude, dead chickens. The Chicken simply stared in horror. Unspeakable horror. The Chicken had trusted these men. They fed her and her kin, and gave them a home in exchange for eggs. "Was that not enough?!" it thought, just as a filthy, busted-ass screen door swung open, popping her head out was the farmer's wife. "Oh, thank goodness. The farmer's wife will take care of these murderers." The Chicken thought. The farmer's wife had always been kind to the livestock. She thought they were 'cute'. "We gon' fry these chickens up real good tonight!" "YOU FRY CHICKENS!?!?" The Chicken clucked loudly, alerting the three. "Got dang it, I told you to close that got' dang cage, I tell you h-what!" one man said, as he grabbed The Chicken. "Now take this chicken back to the cage, and make sure it doesn't get out, or I'm gonna kick your ass, I tell you h-what." The Chicken felt a sense of dread, as the man plopped her down, and locked the cage behind him. The Chicken had no means of escape, but this was by no means the end...

 The Chicken's goal is to stay ever mobile, laying eggs everywhere as she runs around, making sure to never touch them until the screen is clogged with unborn, yet athletic chicks. Once you feel you have a large enough protein-orgy going on, you can then choose to hatch all of your chickens all at once, making the resistance ever stronger.. Every consecutive egg hatched contributes to a multiplier, which makes each hatched egg exponentially more valuable, score-wise, than the last. Unfortunately, your fuzzy child-mercenaries, cute as they are, tend to get in the way, and distract you, always making it a point to run around aimlessly for a few seconds after hatching before heading to the barracks for drills. During this brief, but irritating period, it's possible to initiate a combo while ill-prepared, and lose out on potential-points (as opposed to kinetic points, which you also won't have now.) Gee, thanks.

Halloween masks are a proven effective method for increasing morale.

The Chicken has very little time to amass an army of new chickens. The top-right of the screen has a bar, appropriately labelled Time. The timebar drains quickly, and the only way to impede the inevitable is by eating TIME APPLES. When you complete a successful chain, usually +4-5, you'll notice a TIME APPLE appear. When The Chicken eats a TIME APPLE it gets more time. Unless the TIME APPLE was in fact a BULLET-TIME APPLE, in which case, The Chicken will make like John Woo, capable of hatching a screens-worth of eggs effortlessly. There is also a cat-costume that scares your chicks, and makes them fly right. Or at least not get in your way.

BULLET-TIME APPLES MAKE THE CHICKEN GO 'YEEEEEAAAAHHHH BOOOOOOOOOOOIIIII'!


Now The Chicken was ready to charge into battle, but the night was far from won...

Chickens Crossing the Delaware by Emmanuel Gobble Luetze

Invest your time in The Hatchings, at Orisinal.com.

Also, buy war-bonds.

The consequences of not buying war-bonds:

The Chicken may cross the road, but I pity the fool that crosses The Chicken.

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