3/08/2012

ЯUSSIAИ SUBWAY DOGS

  (This article will be brief, because I'm splitting my carefully budgeted blog-time between this, and a HUGE article. Good things come to those who wait.)

"Capitalists are no more capable of self-sacrifice than a man is capable of lifting himself up by his own bootstraps.
- Vladimir Lenin
 "I don't care too much for money, For money can't buy me love." 
                           - John Lennon

"I must break you" Ivan thinks to himself, as his dog takes a dump in the living room.

ЯUSSIAИ SUBWAY DOGS (PC)
Developed & Published by: Miguel Sternberg
Released on: February 28th. 2012

Life in the motherland is hard. It is even harder, when you are hard-working sled-dog. In what's been rated as "Number Greatest game in Soviet Union" by me, ЯUSSIAИ SUBWAY DOGS combines famous American Arcade action, with an inspiring tale of a young soviet canine, who barks at comrades until they throw him potatoes. Sometimes thew will drop their vodka, which acts as incendiary bombs, and hurt you. In Soviet Union, people drink molotov cocktails. It builds character.

A Dog can find true happiness in his Barking.

This is our righteous hero, whom I've nicknamed GLORIOUS WORKER DOG. Glorious Worker Dog has been down on his luck, for, he is a stray, and is forced to rely on others in order to stave off death. Fortunately, Glorious Worker Dog lives in the greatest nation of all, and in the true spirit of Communism, Glorious Worker Dogs' comrades, in mid-commute, will gladly sacrifice their fried-potatoes for the greater good, as well as the good of Glorious Worker Dog. God Bless Mother Russia!

Glorious Worker Dog tells his comrade about the struggle, with a concise 'BARK'

Gameplay in ЯSD is efficient. Glorious Worker Dog scampers around with the arrow keys, and will 'BARK' at his comrades by pressing CTRL. When Glorious Worker Dog barks, a bark radius appears, informing Glorious Worker Dog, who his humble words can reach. Gameplay simply consists of running up to commuters and barking at them, until they drop whatever they happen to be carrying. Some of the commuters have delicious, domestically grown potatoes, fried in government approved Victory Oil. This is Glorious Worker Dogs favorite dish, though he would gladly accept a lesser meal, if need be. Glorious Worker Dog is good worker, and good dog.

Some commuters have already finished eating their potatoes, and have decided to wash it down with Vodka, because that is the only way to deal with the cold, bitter nights of Moscow. Thrown Vodka bottles are a hazard to Glorious Worker Dog, as well as everyone in the vicinity, as Russian-made Vodka is stronger than all other Vodkas; other Vodkas are pale imitations that don't explode upon impact with the ground. Vodka is dangerous, and asking your comrades to share some in the projectile fashion typical to communist dogs is risky, but it has it's uses in helping Glorious Worker Dog win the struggle against his enemies...

Glorious Worker Dog cannot handle Vodka? Preposterous. These are lies propagated by our enemies.



Or maybe they represent Led Zeppelin IV.
Glorious Worker Dogs' enemies are black furred, red-eyed scoundrels, who know only the ways of greed and gluttony. They symbolize the dark temptations of capitalism; they drive sports cars, and watch baseball, and will try to eat the poor Starving Worker Dogs' meal, even though they don't even need it, and would probably rather eat at McDonalds, because they are fat Americans! What wasteful dogs.

The presence of  Greedy American Dogs creates a need for strategy, as Greedy American Dogs not only decrease your score, but your chances for very survival, as they attempt to eat all of your hard-earned fried-potatoes. The only method of extinguishing this threat to our people, is by means of Vodka. Greedy American Dogs have weak livers, because they only drink "wine-coolers" and "Coors Lite", and thus can't handle the raw-power of Soviet Liquor. Glorious Worker Dog, being a dog, has no form of identification, so he cannot purchase alcoholic goods. Fortunately for Glorious Worker Dog, many of his comrades do, and are more than willing to eradicate the encroaching "Black Dawn". Simply walk up to a comrade who is partaking in our motherland's fondest beverage, and explain yourself with CTRL. He will surely help you.

I've mentioned that Glorious Worker Dog is a Starving Worker Dog, this is no exaggeration at all Glorious Worker Dog has a very limited lifebar, labelled Stamina. Glorious Starving Worker Dog's lifebar drains quickly over time, and quicker yet when he 'BARK's upon his comrades. Poor, poor dog. According to top Soviet scientists, if you eat food in mid-flight, it contains more nutritional value, so if Glorious Worker Dog catches a potato in mid-flight,he is not only awarded +20 for his heroic feat, but he regains more life than eating potatoes that have touched the ground. However, the ground in Mother Russia, too, is perfect, and the potatoes you eat off of the ground are perfectly fine too. The only 10 second rule in Russia is how long it takes Ivan Drago to cause permanent damage to your facial tissue.

GWD nabs an in-flight meal.

Scoring is as such:
  • Glorious Worker Dog eats fried-potato: +10
  • Glorious Worker Dog eats fried-potato in air: +20
  • Comrade is hit with Vodka: +10
  • Greedy American Dog is neutralized: +50
  • Greedy American Dog eats fried-potato: -20
  • Greedy American Dog eats fried-potato in air: - 40 

 The game lasts until Glorious Worker Dog eventually dies of starvation. There is no way around it. Every fried potato Glorious Worker Dog scarfs down only acts to delay, and at the same time, confirm the inevitability of death. Harsh, but such is the struggle of a worker. There's little left to say about ЯUSSIAИ SUBWAY DOGS, but it was made in Game Maker, so it's pretty straightforward and intuitive.

Of course, no article on Hidden-Gems is complete without some gameplay footage,
 so here is ЯUSSIAИ SUBWAY DOGS in action:


video

You too, can experience the struggle of Glorious Worker Dog
with your very own copy of ЯUSSIAИ SUBWAY DOGS. Get it here, or here.



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